Hemlock's Diary
29 January-4 February 2006
Featuring guest diarist ODELL!!
Last Sunday in January 2006 (need calendar)

Testing….Gung Hei Fat Chance…

Wow OK. It works! OK, my name is Odell and I’m Hemlock’s lowlife buddy. That’s right. Lowlife. He likes hanging out with me sometimes because he says it makes him feel so good about himself. Occaisionally he’ll hang out with a bunch of my friends who (like me) are married to Thais or Filipinas. He calls us the HK Association of Guys Married to Poor Asian Women or something. His idea of a joke. He think’s the guys are flattered to have him around because he’s rich etc, but they reckon he’s an asshole. I mean when we’re talking about sport or TV he gets out the freakin Financial Times crossword! But he does buy them beers. 

Well, the weather has been good for Chinese New Year’s day. Normally it’s wet and cool (like it was yesterday).  Christmas is always great in HK. Clear blue skies and just the right temperature. Why do you think that is? Chinese New Year is a lunar thing so it moves around, sometimes in January, sometimes in February etc. But the crap weather sort of follows it around. Isn’t God saying something about Asian religion here? Sort of like “yeah OK believe this heathen crap but you’re gonna get shit weather during the holiday for not being Christian, I’ll see to it personally”. That’s what I’d do.

My wife’s religion is weird – lighting incense all the time, hanging little strings of flowers up. A while back she decided our apartment was haunted. She heard scratching noises and saw strange shadows moving. I said “yeah right, forget about it”. I mean you can hear the couiple upstairs bouncing up and down in bed. Next thing I know this monk turns up with holy water chanting and spreading magic leaves around and shit, I mean you KNOW this guy’s a fake. He said someone must have died unhappily in the place years ago, and I said “that’ll happen again if you don’t fuck off” but Mee sent me out to the pub. She paid him 5 grand!! HK$5,000!!! That’s 156 pints of beer in Hardys.

So I’m sitting here Hemlock’s apartment updating his diary while he’s in China. I’m also feeding his hamster Biffo. He never mentions that he’s got a hamster does he, I bet. There’s a lot of stuff you don’t know about him. Feel free to ask. I’ve Put an interactive message box thing up (see above). Interactive! Yay! Improving his stupid page design as well.I’ve got his SCRAPBOOK here too, I might scan some stuff from his childhood. That would be funny. Wanna see a picture of him wearing a dress???!!!

I don’t feel too good. Why? Something to do with being in the Bridge (bar in Wanchai) at 9.20 this morning. (I don’t remember but it says 09.22 on the credit card slip. It also says $1,146.  Huh????  WTF!!?)  So I woke up just now (5pm) and had my wife Mee screaming at me “Mai chawp khun, dak ling!!!” or “Screw you, monkey ass!” She found lipstick on my underpants but I have HONEST TO GOD absolutely no idea how it got there. So I said OK, gotta feed Hemlock’s hamster and split.

Also… I have 25 thousand bucks in my pocket. Checked at the ATM and found my account is almost empty, so I must have taken all that out last night. Why? Beats me. Already in the dog house because last weekend Mee kinda vanished and I went off and obviously overdid it. Got home at 2am (I think) and called Mee to finf out where she was and at that exact moment she opened the door and walked in. Then she attacked one of the two Filipino girls sitting on the settee. They must have come back with me but I’d forgotten. NOTHING HAPPNED. Only just walked in myself. If you see a Filipina with a black eye say HI. She was cute, but the other one was a beast. Like I say, no idea what they were doing there. OK, time to feed Biffo. Unlike me, the hamster gets dinner tonight.

Monday, January 30

So we've got a few comments.Neat. "is jenny a commercial arrangement?" No! Ex-girlfriend. I only met her once. When they were together... three years ago?  Back when Hemlock’s Diary was good. I reckon it jumped the shark at least a couple years ago. It used to be really funny, made me laugh out loud, but nowadays it’s all politics and shit. And Winky freaking Ip. Don’t get me started on that stuck up bitch. I’m not allowed to hang out with her of course (like Jenny whose parents are/were prominent COMMUNIST PARTY MEMBERS!!, and so was she) so again I’ve only met her once or twice and that’s by accident (Hemlock of course pretended not to know me) but that’s enough times anyway. 

He’s left me instructions on what to write about. 

“What did you do today?” Well, I’m between jobs. Lost my security job at Disneyland, but got a damn good payoff. Teaching a bit of English to Mormons’ kids on Kowloon side (they don’t know I left the LDS) and Mee’s a head waitress now, so we’re doing OK. Right… 

“Something on political situation.” Oh come on. Not my scene but OK, here’s my message to Donald Tsang. Dude: lighten up, OK? So everyone thinks the cultural hub idea sucks. And? So what? It does. Live with it. Cut out all this cry baby bad loser shit. Noone wins all the time. Turn the other cheek. Love thine enemy. Stop fucking whining.And tell that toffeenosed buddy of yours with the oh so British accent to get his head out of his ass too. What’s his name??? Rafael. Yeah.

“What’s in the papers? Link to/comment on story.” Well, OK, her’es something interesting I’m following from the Deseret News about a missionary who was shot and the latest. That could’ve been me! Of course when I was Elder Odell I basically hit on Filipinos in Central to share the fulness of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ with them and they don’t carry guns. By the way, people think LDS missionaries are a bunch of tight assed losers but note how this guy had Batman slippers and a turtle called Killer. Pretty cool huh?


Tuesday, January 31

Wow,OK... "Whats Hemlock doing in China?" Probably looking at museums, ancient buildings etc and eating really disgusting food just so he can gross people out later by telling them about it. "Whats with the design of the Mormon Church in Wanchai" I know the place you mean. Just opened. You mean why doesn't it look really freaky like all the other temples? Not sure. HK building code?

Rikard/Glooper: thanks.

"Whyd you leave the US?" I was called to serve to share the Gospel. Bad call (hehe). " Is Hong Kong a good place for a gwailo to live?" Let's say I'm not going anywhere. "Whats the deal with the foreign correspondants club? Can anyone off the street just pop in? Is it filled with gwailos wearing olive/khaki outdo?" I've been in a few times. Nice building but it's not an exclusive place (think "jornalists"). I was surprised at how many Chinese were in there.

I knowHemlock wrote a lot of stuff about me in the past. I’m not saying he’s lying, but let’s say he’s exaggerating. The bit about waking up next to some girl in a cheap hotel in Wanchai, running home drunk, taking a piss, pulling the flush, then next morning the condom was still in the toilet. Well, that WAS true. They should freakin make condoms that flush!! And the time Mee kicked the door off the chain and there was a girl locked in the bedroom, that was true. And the time Mee phoned m,e and I was in a girly bar so I went outside to take the call and Mee was right there walking past the door, that really happened. But does he ever mention the times I go home with flowers for my wife and we have a lovely time together?? Course not. Compared with most of the guys I know, I’m good. Some of them cheat week in week out. The ones that go on business trips? All cheat. All. A guy going on a business trip to Bangkok who doesn’t get laid is a liar, or a freakin pervert. 99% anyway. The difference is some of them get caught, and some don’t. How do the smart ones get away with it?, that’s the question, right?

So I’m writing a book based on my experience and my buddies’ experience. Hemlock, God bless him, has actually suggested a title. “
The Invisible Scumbag – Every Hong Kong Man’s Guide to Living Life to the Full While Maintaining Connubial Bliss”. Hem also suggests a fake cover for the book, so you can leave it on the shelf without your wife picking it up and looking at it. He says “Deer Hunting on Motorbike with Tiger Woods” might work but umm..

So anyway, here is a free sample.

This is like the rundown of Chapter 5. “While the cat’s away”…

So the wife’s out of town for a week. Great! But not so fast!! Women have photographic memories. If anything on her make up table moves an inch while she’s away she’ll spot it. First thing after she’s gone: take photos so you can rearrange stuff she knows you wouldn’t touch. Of course, guests shouldn’t touch her stuff anyway, but what if they do??? You won’t be able to put it back like it was before. You’re dead meat.

Bed sheets. Second thing after she goes: change the bed sheets for cheap ones you bought. .These new ones do not enter the apartment until she has gone. Stuff the original ones in a closet.

Entertaining guests at home. Security guards are cool. That’s why we give them generous laisee at Chinese new year right guys? Your problem is other women in the block. In particular, if you have a Filipino wife and there are Filipino amahs in nearby apartments. The amahs will tell your wife about visitors and will also check your garbage. They might do this because they hate your wife or because they like her.

Day before she comes back. The BIG CLEAN UP. Change the bed sheets back. Put the others in the garbage. All garbage must be taken out of the house. The first thing she will do is pick through the garbage outside the apartment, and the neighbors’ If you ever see a guy around the bottom of Soho taking plastic bags out of his backpack and putting them in the trash can on the street, come up and say “Hi Odell, Mee’s back tomorrow, huh?” Then the bathroom, and all other areas. Black hairs can kill!! A white carpet is good
– let’s you spot the black hairs. Don’t let guests roll around on dark fabrics.

And so on. Obviously the book will have much much more. Back soon.
Wednesday, February 1

“So Odell, how do you keep from being bobbitized?” Look, it’s part of men’s biology to want to get it on with as many differenbt women as possible just like cats and dogs. But unlike cats and dogs, humans have one special person and some women understand that it doesn’t mean anything if you go with another girl for one night, especially if you’re drunk and don’t even remember the next day. Thailand has a bad rep for cock-chopping and sometimes women feed their husband’s penises to farm animals or make soup out of them or tie them to helium balloons and let them drift away. There are doctors there who specialize in reattaching cut off penises! (They also specialize in sex change ops when business is slow, I think). But women who do that are dumb. Kind of of biting the hand that feeds you, you know? When I stray I pay. A new motorbike for her brother, a new roof for her uncle’s house, a hysterectommy for her mom one time (well obviously only one time)!!! It’s my savings she chops up. Here,
make a note of the name just in case!

“whats Polly the lipstick lesbian been up to recently?” Same stuff. Marching for democracy etc. Unlike some of Hem’s other friends I am actually allowed to meet Polly. Mee’s idea was to take her to a Lebanese restaurant for her birthday. Was that sweet or what?

OK, had an email from Hemlock in China forwarding a message from Winky Ip complaining about everything. An extract:
That American has broken into your website and he is being very rude. And from the great man himself…  My public is not interested in Utah

Oh yeah? “Are you from Utah? If so, whats the best (most scenic) national/state park in Utah?” Yes and most people would say Bryce Canyon. Weird rock formations called hoodoos. One of them’s a dead ringer for the Lord Jesus. It’s because the water freezes and breaks the rock, etc, like they taught you at school but in this case it really happened and you can see it. Not like drumlins. I used to look for them everywhere. I travelled around and thought where are the freakin drumlins??? That was something to so with glaciers, but I never have seen any. I like the part of Grand Canyon inside Utah too.

“You did work in Disneyland, eh? How was it? Did you like it?” Good money but they work you to death. Never again. “What does hemlock look like?” Just another gweilo. They all look the same right?

Well, I’m sitting here in his apartment and just noticed his phone is unplugged. The guy plugs his phone in when he wants to call someone, which is like once every 3 months, then he unplugs it again cos he doesn’t like being disturbed. Amazing.

“If all else fails, comment on HK blogs” OK, well this is interesting. It’s true. You sit in an empty coffee shop, and the next people who enter sit really close to you. Happens in bars too. Doesn’t worry me but it drives Hemlock nuts. He normally ignores everyone and hates having to talk to people and it really pisses him off if they get close to him. He looks at them like they’ve just taken a dump on the floor and says “If I go and sit over there will you follow me?” or “Do you want to sit in my lap or something?” So here’s the link.

Don’t worry, he’s back in a few days!

Thursday February 2

On the escalator going up to hemlock’s place just now I saw this British guy John who asked if I could lend him a couple thousand bucks til the end of next week. I said Bill (another friend, American) still owed me the same amount from two months ago, so he (John)could get it from him (Bill) and then pay it back to me (Odell). That’s my policy now. After I’ve lent out 10 grand I stop. When someone pays me back I might be a nice generous guy again. They say a friend in need is a friend indeed, but I say a friend in need should get his act together. I mean one of these guys lives out on Lamma. His Filipina girlfriend/maid earns more cleaning people’s homes than he does. Another lives in a pit up six flights of stairs in a slum in Wanchai. Also a Filipina wife. These guys get odd jobs like bartending or repairwork and stuff. Can’t afford dental work or a long weekend out of town. They bet on horse races, though.

Hemlock says National Geographic should do a feature on all the guys like this in Hong Kong.
Asia’s lost white tribe: The penniless gweilos,. He finds it fascinating that people can be in their 30s, 40s, 50s and have zero savings or investments and run out of cash at the end of every month. Me too!! I guess there’s still a lot of LDS “self-sufficiency” in me. I reckon if you need to borrow money from other people you’re basically becoming like a slave. And if you borrow and don’t pay it back then you’r expecting other people to be YOUR slave. So um, sorry John.

But this is why I like HK. Can you imagine white trash living in Singapore or Japan or China? They’d be kicked out for making the place look like a dump (you should hear what Thais say about western tourists in cheap crappy clothes). Here in HK you can do anything you want. Love it.

OK let’s have some pictures round here! This Muslim guy recently wrote to the SCMP complaining that the paper had called some place a mecca for wine lovers. It was “offensive” of course. Guy probably reads the paper every day looking for something to be offended by. Is he reading this??? Cos you’ve come to the right place. Your religion is a freakin pain in the ass (and I’m a Mormon so it’s not like I don’t know what I’m talking about).  

So the big news story today is about Muslims having a cow because of cartoons in a Danish newspaper featuring the prophet Mohamed (exhibits 1 and 2). So what happens? Hilarious!
Tons of other newspapers print the SAME CARTOONS just to make a point about free speech. Should’ve just kept their mouths shut right? Mormons get a LOT of criticism and insults, especially from fundamentalists who claim we’re not really Christian and of course from people who get pissed about all the proselytizing and about the weird shit (exhibit 3) but do we have hissie fits about being offended? Do we threaten violence, bombs and shit? Nope. If your religion’s so pathetic that you can’t handle a cartoon, get a new religion.
Friday, February 3
This is hilarious… Angry Parents Toss Kids Over Sold-Out Disney Park Fences. It’s like some camp full of starving refugees or like the parents are trying to save the kids from gas chambers or something, except its mainland tourists in HK, 2006. And in case you’r thinking what I’m thinking… Tasers Not Recommended To Subdue Small Children, Grand Jury Says. So that’s out. (That site has all the cool stories.) OK, down to work…

“odell, how are you able to stay in hong kong? Arent there work/residency permit issues?” My wife is a permanent resident, so I can live and work here. She got that status by paying a cop with gambling debts to marry her (fake marriage) years back.

“Odell, what are the special underpants that Mormon guys wear for ? Can you explain how they are special and what they do for you in the pants department ?” OK, the famous temple garment. Basically these days just a white t-shirt and knee length underpants. Doesn’t look sexy (women wear them too) but if you’re wearing them and have a car crash you will survive even though everyone else gets killed. Honest.

“Do you still consider yourself a Mormon or Christian?” Just another lapsed Mormon. I was in Wanchai and someone evil (who will be back on Sunday) was making me drink beer and he said all about how there are dozens of different religions in the world with conflicting beliefs, and so either :
   (A) ONE of them is right and the others all wrong, or
   (B) they’re ALL wrong.
That was when it happened. Of course if the answer is (A) Hemlock will go to hell, which will teach him to be so absolutely freakin positive he knows everything.

According to his latest email, the great man is holed up in some luxury villa somewhere watching intellectual movies and eating gourmet food with some of Jenny’s old classmates from some fancy diplomatic university in Beijing. I know what they’re doing really. They’re watching TV. These guys don’t have TV. If anyone asks ‘did you see Letterman last night’ you get this snotty “I don’t watch TV, don't even have one” BS. That’s what they’re doing: they’re secretly watching TV where no-one can see them.

What he doesn’t mention is that tomorrow is the 4th anniversary of his diary. So to celebrate I’m going to scan this scrapbook picture of him wearing this incrediblr girl’s dress and post it on this crappy Geocities website which you can’t access in China. Stay tuned.

Saturday, Feb 4

HK is very safe unless you get hit by a 10m bamboo pole. Good game here. HK is very safe unless… You vomit on the back seat of Mr CF Chan (#3011)’s taxi. You choose the seafood salad at the Royal Bangkok Café in Kowloon City. You jab the Nepalese doorman outside Insomnia in the ribs after 8 beers. Etc etc.

OK, so the diary's 4th birthday. Woo-hoo, right? I'm pretty glad it's my last day doing this thing, it's harder than it looks.  I’ve raided and scanned a few things from Hem’s scrapbook. Actually they’re kind of boring. From left to right, top to bottom, etc...Hemlock in a girl's dress. You asked for it, you got it. Richard Nixons birthplace. Margaret Thatcher. No idea.  No idea. No idea. No idea. And last but not least... Babes of the IDF!
Next up: he's back.

Thanks for all the comments.

Time for a beer.