Not The South China Morning Post

July 1997
Among QQ's many talents is a flair for giving comfort and succour - notably at lunchtimes in his office - to women whose husbands do not understand them and for whom the passion has gone out of their lives. One such client, Ms Shirley Chan*, happens to work in the office of the Clerk to the Provisional Legislature.  Overwhelmed with gratitude for QQ's tender assistance, she has passed on the following list of upcoming Special Administrative Region legislation that will soon be put before our compliant Provisional LegCo. And what can we say, boys and girls? These laws are darn good!! Well, some of them.

*Not her real name, which is Doris Ng.

Mid-levels Escalator (Slow Walking) Ordinance
Requires the Escalator security staff to apprehend anyone who walks s-l-o-w-l-y down the escalator in the morning, and slap them on the face with a large wet “big-eye” fish procured from Central Market specifically for the purpose.

HK Stadium (Neighbourhood (Ruination)) Ordinance
Requires the Urban Council to hold ear shattering pop concerts every weekday evening at the HK Stadium in order to drive nearby sensitive residents insane and to reduce property prices by 90%. Members of the Urban Council Noise Control Committee will be subject to fines not exceeding $500,000 and/or 10 years imprisonment should any concert end before 2.00am.

Sartorial Elegance (Miscellaneous Provisions)
Aims to improve Hong Kong's image by banning the following silly “fashionable” garb: nose rings (except on appropriate ethnic minorities), tongue studs (except on Members of the Executive Council), multiple earrings, blue/red/other unnatural colour hair, ridiculous orange bleached hair, nasty little sunglasses, absurdly tight black T-shirts (except on females) and business suits
Denimwear (Wilful Deportment) in Central Ordinance
Requires Police to conduct frequent ID checks on Chinese males aged from 16-50 wearing jeans in Central. (This law has been enforced since 1841, but is not yet on the books.)

Mercedes (Jumping Red Lights) in Central Ordinance
Requires the Police to ignore Mercedes and other luxury vehicles when they jump red lights in Central. (Again, this law is already in effect, but is not yet on the books.)

Medical Practitioners (Limitations on Ripping Off Patients) Ordinance (Amendment)
Requires Doctors to prescribe a sufficient supply of drugs to actually cure the disease, not just keep it coming along nicely for long enough to require an additional six expensive and time consuming consultations.

Shaving Equipment (Asian Values (Female)) Ordinance (Amendment)
Imposes a large tax on ladies' razors to encourage Asian values, viz those rather fetching tufts of underarm hair on young HK women, now, sadly, such a rare sight.

Vendors (Curd (Bean (Malodorous (Restraint))) Ordinance (Amendment)
Requires the Fire Dept to douse vendors of fried stinky tofu and their equipment and supplies with mildly perfumed fire retardent foam.

News Publications (U.S. (Wanton Irritation)) Ordinance
Imposes pointless but irksome restrictions on US news media in Hong Kong SAR simply to irritate them for being such self- righteous twerps. Specifically - forbids The International Herald Tribune to publish opinion articles from brain-dead idiots who think European Monetary Union is a neat idea; requires The Asia Wall Street Journal to use British spelling and bans it from using the word “Woes” in headlines; requires all CNN broadcasts to carry a one-sixty-fourth of a second subliminal message every hour carrying the moronic HK Government message “Look after your old folk”.

Europeans (Humiliation for Fun) Ordinance (Amendment)
Requires French visitors to the SAR to sign a declaration at Immigration to the effect that they “freely accept that absolutely no-one speaks French anywhere in Asia” and that they “understand that English is the international language throughout the region” and, furthermore, that they “rejoice in this sensible solution to the world’s communication problems and wholeheartedly and unreservedly endorse the abandonment of French as an international medium, and the eradication of all non Anglo-Saxon popular culture (except Canto-pop) and all non Anglo-Saxon business practices and economic theories.”

Oral Hygiene Ordinance (Miscellaneous Provisions)
Establishes an annual “toothpick free day”, on 1st July, to be promoted by “Wency”, the popular pink cartoon dolphin, effigies of whom are available in large quantities. Suitable publicity (posters, TV commercials, corporate sponsorships) will be organized in which Wency will discourage Hong Kong’s children from ever taking up the noxious toothpick habit.
Exclusive! (It'd better be - Ed.)  New laws to be introduced by 1st SAR administration