Diary entries - 21
Not the South China Morning Post

Hello Sweetie darlings,
Well after scouring the world of places to have me, literally, I've ended up here in JR's country. Yes you ardent T.V followers I'm here in Dysentery country, Joan Collins watch out, Patsy is here, which reminds me of a joke. What's the difference between Joan Collins and a Kit Kat Bar ? You only get 4 fingers in a Kit Kat.

After a couple of years sentence in the ex British Crown Colony of Hong Kong I decided to try another ex British Crown Colony, this time the one of the United States of America. Dallas sounded as good a place as any, so I packed my Luis Vutton and landed at Dallas Fort Worth airport, what a name for an airport, good god and what a dump of an airport. After queuing for 21/2 hours, without either Bollie or Stollie sweetie darlings, the immigration officer finally ordains himself to let you be interrogated by him.
You have all heard the stories about how big they build everything here down south of ameriaca and I can finally vouch that the stories are all true. The trains are at least a mile long, their highways are piled four one on top of each other, cars are enormous, you should see the size of what I have termed the "Cocaine Expresses" - upto 30’ (10meters) long, hats on top of mens heads are big, shopping malls are huge, houses and apartments are big (compared to Hong Kong, what isn't?) art centres and museums are big, cattle are big, distances between cities are big. Oh yes and of course you are all dying to know about something that I haven't mentioned above - you sex starved demons, the size of the average Texans ego, well no it's not that big. Mind you, their appendages are huge !!!! More of that sleazy stuff later, so you desperate queens will have to suffer all this cultural crap I'm about to write to get to the real stuff.
There are many parodies here in Texas. Almost everyone is a member of a religious faith, mainly southern baptist, Episcopalian, catholic etc. Where the english have a pub on every street corner, the Texans have a church instead. Notwithstanding their high ‘moral standards’ almost 90% of those people I know in the heterosexual world, yes sweetie darlings there is another life in existence outside the gay world, are divorced at least once.

Dallas was so kind as to put on their gay pride parade on my arrival. It was quite interesting to note that over half of the floats were church orientated, the other half were mainly car dealers and the local bars....hmmm there must be a message there somewhere. I have never seen so many cars with the rainbow flag affixed as I have here in Dallas, even with the southern Baptists preaching that our lifestyle is immoral.

The Television series ‘Dallas’ was filmed on a ranched named South Fork, this ranch is in the northern part of Dallas and to put you all out of your misery, J.R. is still dead. However there is a ‘family’ bar named after him in the center of the strip here in Dallas. If you are a bar fly then Dallas can be quite an entertaining place for you. On the ‘strip’ there is the full range of what you need, from prissy young things, gym bunnies, leather, disco, ‘strippers" (more of that later sweeties) , oldies and the best of all .... country and western dancing with ‘real’ cowboys.

I say ‘real’ cowboys because many of those who frequent the Round Up Bar wouldn’t know what a bull, steer or cow would look like unless they picked one up in the bar, which is very unlikely. The cowboys look fantastic in their pressed "Wrangler" jeans, their starched shirts, cowboy pointy boots and of course the obligatory cowboy hats. They really do look ‘butch’ I have been told that within america Texas, and more specifically - Dallas, is refereed to as Top-less Dallas, referring to their preferences in bed. So there, all you ‘real’ ‘butch’ men drop your knitting, cancel your season tickets to the Opera, forget about making soufflés for the upcoming dinner party - hop on a plane and get your oats with some of the most glamorous cowboys this side of black stump.

The countryside of Texas itself can be pretty boring, very flat with sparse vegetation. There are not many cattle or livestock on the ranches as the land will not support a heavy density of such. There are parts of Texas, namely eastern Texas, which has rolling hills and very picturesque forests. All lakes are man made, meaning that they are all dammed streams or rivers. Weather varies between below freezing for a few weeks to over 40 degrees for about 2 -3 months. Roll on summer so I can perve at all those hunks in their bathers!!!!