Diary entries - 20
Not the South China Morning Post

Dear Gentle Readers.

This is the last column which I shall be writing as I am about to depart this ex British Crown Colony for pastures afresh, hopefully.   You will note sweetie darlings that in honour of my departure I have decided to go all asian and write this to you in ‘Eurasian’ font.   I wish that Asians looked as half decent as this type font !!!   It is time for reflections of my stay here in Hong Kong where I was fortunate to be here for the hand over from colonial rule to, well colonial rule, just different paymasters.  What have my impressions been of Hong Kong ?  

To be honest I cannot really say that there have been any impressions of any magnitude, the peak (yawn) Stanly Market (yawn) Star Ferry and Trams (yawn), Bank of China (hmm) , Hong Kong Bank (YES), Wanchai & Lan Kwai Fong (Hmm), New Territories (yeech), coastline & swimming (not on your life), food ( slimefest), the vibrancy of Hong Kong (yes - a rugby match every time I walk down the street), the fragrance of Hong Kong (more like the stench) and that’s about it for me.

The most memorable thing that I will retain in my mind about Hong Kong is the peoples, what a bunch of toe rags they are, almost each and every one.   I know it is not PC to say this, but be honest, it is true.   How many times have you waited for a taxi on the street for 15 mins when just as a taxi arrives some local who has been waiting for 5 seconds pinches your taxi.   Or what about the times whilst waiting in a queue at as passport control and some toe rag edges in front of you.  Yes I hear you PC people cry, that does happen in all other countries, but not as much as it does here.  You see these people always want to get one over on you.     

Take taxi drivers, a perfect reference people of all countries, you can pick up the character and make up of each country by simply travelling a few kilometres with a taxi driver.  Lets take a look at our lot here.  The taxis themselves are cheap and nasty – same as the buildings. Drivers' demeanour, well in all the taxis I have ridden in HKG I would say that I had the pleasure of meeting only one driver who was pleasant, courteous and cheerful. 

Do you get a welcome, no never – dour - same as shop assistants, telephonists, receptionists, waiter etc.  Comfort?  Well, if you enjoy listening to vibrato radio stories, canto talk back interspersed with the CB radio tuned to full volume of a women repeating everything three times, then yes you have comfort – otherwise no, just like your apartment.   Clean, well on the appearance yes, but not sparkling, very dowdy, similar to all things in HKG things are brushed but never cleaned and I talk about personal hygiene as well in this category.

Luxury,  sitting on plastic seat covers, accelerator cannot be held at a constant pressure, brakes always being tested, no I don’t think so, similar to restaurants. Smell, notice how all taxis have hideous room fresheners open to the maximum, is this because of their personal hygiene, or perhaps to counter the stench of HKG itself?  Value, yes on this point I have to concede that HKG taxis are rather well priced, but then so is the tram!   Honesty, notice how if the fare is $17.10 they will give change of $18, but if the fare is $15.80 the will always give change of $16  So there, I have summed up Hong Kong, dirty, cheap infrastructure,  smelly, dour people, uncomfortable, un luxurious, unpleasant and always trying to get one up on you.

During my stay here I was fortunate to be able to travel to a couple of countries in the region and I have to say that HKG has to be the unfriendliest and ugliest lot of people around.   Compare with say Thailand, a mere 3 hours away.   The people are soooooo pleasant, they are a good-looking bunch, have a life for themselves, don’t care about getting one over on you.  Take a look at the difference between the way Thais and Chinese treat their children.   Very rarely will you hear a Thai child cry, whereas for the HKGers it’s the reverse.   In Thailand children have attention from almost every one around them.  After spending a while in Thailand the most depressing thing is walking into the airport waiting lounge, seeing and hearing this bunch of rabble.   Why is it that I always manage to sit next to the people who are incapable of investing in sinutabs and handkerchiefs?   I thought that I, after surviving 2.5 years in Singapore would never say this, but it was such a pleasure to get to S’Pore for a while, to be able to see smiling Chinese faces, courteous and the rest….. ok   I know the rest of the story about S’Pore, but…well really.  Whilst harping on about Thailand, do you know that it is almost as cheap to spend a weekend in Thailand as it would be as to spend a real EXPAT weekend here in HKG .   Compare costs:-
2 Days in Bangkok                                                                                                            2 Days in Hong Kong
                                         HKG$        Baht        Total $                                                                                            HKG$
Airfare                             1650  $                       1,650                                                         Taxis (say 6 trips)          210
To HKG airport                 40.4   $                         40   
A/Port taxes                      100              500          204                                                         Resturants ( 4 meals)       1,200
Accomodation 2 nights                         600          125                                                         Beers (say 10 / night)         960
Train                                                        20             4   
Condoms - 12 pack                                 55           11                                                  Condoms – no-one to share with !!!!  
Beers (say 10/night)                              700         146   
Food ( say 4 meals)                              280           58   
     TOTAL                                                  $     2,239                                                                                     $     2,370

Where would you rather be ?

By the way, why do the girls here where such clunky shoes and those hideous knee stockings?   Also, why do they all have greasy hair and dandruff ?   and those teeth !!!!


In my last article I inferred that ZIPS management stated that there would be no more charity shows due to poor bar takings on the night.   I was mis-informed and Becky assures me that there is no such policy at ZIPS, so I suppose that I will be back there for my final drink.   I apologise unreservedly !

Well, Hong Kong has served its purpose for me in that I was able to pay of my ex (otherwise known as the bitch from hell) and have a medicom of fun whilst here.   To all those people who have known me, I wish them all the best and hope that you continue to have a great time here.   Just think that whilst the rain keeps pissing down on you each and every day for the next 3 months, I will be in warmer sunnier climes !!!

It’s been a giggle writing some of this crap, it’s also been an eye opener for me as to the amount of work and difficulty there is in writing such slanderous stuff.   To that bitch who called me a sour old queen after reading my articles, well yes you are correct, old and sour yes, queen no,

Look after yourselves and to the rest of the team at NTSCMP, I wish you all the best that jello shots can give.