Diary entries - 17
Not the South China Morning Post

Dear Gentle Readers,
Have you noticed how few people there are drinking Bollie at all the trendy places lately?   Well your dear old columnist has. There’s hardly a person in this town whom I am able to scrounge a drink from – must be something to do with the way dear old Tung and his Peking toadies are running this part of the world.   Oh dear, I suppose that I’ll just have to go onto the Stollie more often these days. Times are tough. 

Your dear columnist went this past weekend to a place here in Hong Kong where there are more tooth picks to choose from than are present at a chinese buffet table.     Yes I went to a sauna in Wanchai, the area more known for it’s girlie girlie knocking shops where you can pick up a LBFM for the night.  The first time I went in search of this particular establishment was with a Singaporean friend of mine.   Both of us being quite fresh in the colony (as it was in those good old days)  and didn’t quite know where “Gameboys” was other than in Lockhart Road , Wanchai.     Well did these two queens walk up and down that street?    In the end my Friend decided to hide his asian shame and ask someone if they knew of a place called ‘GameBoys”.  His question was, of course, directed to two Philippine women !!!!  You know, just the sort of person who would know where such an establishment would be !   Anyway instead of being able to say  “Excuse me, would  you know where the poof sauna  around here ?”… The question went something like this.  “Do you know of a men’s club around here called game boys  where men meet men, an entertainment place ? “  “Oh yes” , said the women, “it’s around the corner near the tram stop.”  Off we went with joy in our hearts and a light step.    Ooooooopppppppss    wrong place, silly bitches, it was Game Zone, full mainly of ‘men’ if you wish to stretch your imagination, but was an Amusement arcade !!!  

We went and had a bottle of Stollie to drown our frustration.  However, this weekend I did find the place all by myself, next to a furniture shop, up a sleazy elevator to the second floor of a sleazy apartment building, with a very alert and attentive security guard fast asleep at his desk.   Some of dear gentle readers would be quite surprised to learn that such establishments do exist here in Hong Kong.  Dear readers, there happen to be two of these places where one may go to relax, sweat off a few kilos and have fun in the meanwhile on these cold miserable Sunday afternoons / evenings here.  Now for any of you hardened Princesses out there, don’t think that these places are like Steam in Berlin,  Badehaus am Romerturm in Cologne or Countrymans club in Auckland – they aren’t.   The first thing that you notice is the Hong Kong welcome at the check in desk…. “YES!!!!”   in a tone that says ‘ what the hell are you doing here interrupting me from doing my nails – bitch !!!’   Once you get passed the shock of being treated so rudely it’s time to hand over your ID, for whatever reason goodness only knows, but yes ID is required before entry to the ‘club’.
You walk in after being carefully scrutinised by the money man, no money paid up-front for some reason, and off you go to the locker room.  Well of course all the desperate queens are hanging around this area which has BIG mirrors every where, just so they can get a peek of the fresh meat and see what size lunch box you’ve got.  Mind you the Americans aren’t very sporty in this little game, they are able to take off their nickers without revealing their family jewels !  The majority of people just wrap their towel around their waste and are quite happy to start prowling.   However there are always those prissy little princesses who have to have a designer towel by folding it in half so it looks like a mini skirt.  I suppose if your tackle is big enough it would hang below the hem line, but I have never  had the experience to see this.  So there you are in your sporty little crispy white towel which smells of Janola and you’re on the prowl.  Well it is a sauna isn’t it, how about a little spot in the steam room?.   

Why are they always so dark that you trip over the bloke who is down on his knees giving a blow job as soon as you walk in the door ?   A little light would be appreciated, you might even then have second thoughts about letting THAT bloke get his nashers around your member !.  Another thing about this steam room is the way in which the steam is forced out at superheat temperature just at the height to sustain you  serious injury whilst doing the deed with the other bloke lying on the bench.  Oh dear, who said being gay was easy ?  However, not too many of the locals are into performing in open spaces such as this and your dear old columnist had to do with a rather lovely Canadian to do the deed with in there.  After that little experience, time to unwind with a glass of water and relax in the T.V. room (television - silly queens, not everything has a sexual tone about it you know.) .    Problem.   We are in Asia, Karaoke is the sport here isn’t it ?.   

Yes well there are two lounges for those who wish to exercise their larynxes in a different manner to my idea.  Once fully rested and relaxed it’s time for a little fishing, however you notice that all the BIG fish have been caught so you are forced to go trawling with a finer net than you would really prefer.  You mince around the dark tunnel a couple of times, and get really peeved at the way scrawny little fingers group at your towel as you try to swish past them.   After about the third pass with your net aperture getting smaller and smaller with each search pattern you eventually see this vision in front of you.    That will do you say, besides which your legs are giving up after all this walking, time to put them up.  The two of you decide that a little rest in one of the cubicles is needed and off you go with each other.   Closing the door to such places can be such a trauma sometimes with all the jealous (i.e. the left out bitches) ones trying to get in on the act as well.  Well  I’m not going to divulge what actually happens in such places, except to say that the Spanish number whom I had bouncing off the walls screamed so much that at the end of the performance, not only did all the patrons in the sauna clap, but all the pedestrians out on Lockheart Road did also !!!! 

Well keep it up and keep it safe,  Patsy