The ravings of Hong Kong�s most obnoxious expat
7-13 July 2002
Last week it was the PRC leadership. This Sunday, it's the turn of our civil servants to block off the streets of Wanchai and Central, whining about a 1.5% pay cut. There is an important difference between these two groups, however. One has faithfully stuck to its promise never to appropriate any of the wealth of the Hong Kong people. The other is daily plundering the reserves in order to remain bloated and overpaid rather than cut costs in the manner of the private sector � the people who earned the reserves in the first place. Dash off a quick email to civil service chief Joseph Wong...
Joseph -
You need to get the message home to these parasites of yours once and for all, and I have just the way to do it. Simply announce tomorrow that, until further notice, every time a civil service union representative is quoted in the media as using the word "morale", the SAR government will relocate 10,000 public-sector clerical jobs to Shenzhen.
Finally obtain the answer to two questions I have long had about albinos. Do they have white hair "down there" as well as on the head? And do they take their tinted spectacles off during sex? Obviously, the answer is "yes" in both cases, but it is good to be sure. This particular twenty-something daughter of the moon was squinting at me on the escalator this evening, curious about the contents of my backpack. Greatly amused by the stuffed lizard, the stick of sealing wax, the old copy of Leaves of Grass and the banana-flavoured condoms, she was more than eager to come back to Perpetual Opulence Mansions for a glass of white Bordeaux (Chateau Haut Brion, which I wouldn't waste on just anyone). She was sweet enough to apologize for her inexperience in bed, lamenting that most men avoid girls like her. It was a pleasure to prove that some men are adventurous and chivalrous enough not to be visibly disconcerted by cadaverously pale skin, pure white hair and pink eyes.
Wed, 10 Jul
"Let me take you home and tie you to the toilet!" This was Walter W Wilde Esq.'s favourite, and highly successful, opening line with girls back in the days before he became a recluse in his New Territories heart of darkness. It comes back to me in Western Magistrates Court, watching leather and whips purveyors Fetish Fashion being prosecuted for "keeping a disorderly house". The open-mindedness of the police inspector in charge of the case can be gauged from his very name � Calvin Mohammed. Bondage, domination and sado-masochism are beyond my comprehension, but anyone being picked on for no obvious reason by idiots on the public payroll is automatically right in my book. BDSM practitioners gain pleasure from utter humiliation, but cops and public prosecutors don't. The sadist in me looks forward to the defendants' acquittal next month. (I do admire Fetish Fashion's slogan advertising a price cut in rental fees for its "playrooms", on account of the poor economy � FF shares the pain! )
The masochist in me meanwhile resists the temptation to drop into the circus to see our noble representatives grapple with the civil servants' microscopic pay cut. From their pig-like squealing, you'd think all 180,000 civil servants were being chained to the ceiling and having melted wax dripped on their genitals while Fetish Fashion's "Decima" beats their overfed rumps with a copy of the government telephone directory.
Sat, 13 July
Self-indulgence day. At HMV, pick up a 1928 recording of Elgar's Cello Concerto featuring Beatrice Harrison, conducted by the composer, and Captain Beefheart's 1967 classic Safe as Milk. [Insert witty, thought-provoking remark on hitherto-unnoticed common thread running through both works.] Then to Olivers to grab a sample of unusual beers for tomorrow's tasting session with Odell, who needs to drown his sorrows after being given a final, once-and-for-all warning that his days as a Mormon missionary are numbered unless he reforms himself. The chances of his doing so are minimal, but I might as well do my bit in prising him from the clutches of the men in short-sleeved white shirts. Can't resist doing a quick quality control check on a bottle of Bridgeport India Pale Ale. Highlight of the week! Eight out of 10.
To: All females staying overnight at Perpetual Opulence Mansions
From: Hemlock
Re: Behaviour in my apartment (part 381)
Please be reminded that there is a raised ledge around the shower and a shower curtain hanging from the ceiling. If used correctly in conjunction with each other, these two devices will prevent the bathroom floor from getting wet, thus keeping my socks dry if I have put them on in advance of brushing my teeth. Thank you for your attention.